Sometimes you all you can do is write. Or at least that’s true for me. Maybe you have some different way to cope with these errant thoughts.
I feel more acutely that I’m missing out on the world. That I’m isolated from people. It makes me desperate and then ashamed of being desperate. I can’t let people see it or they’d leave. It’s too much emotion, it’s too strong. So I compartmentalize it. I shut it off. Then I appear neutral or bland or boring.
Sometimes it’s better to not being in control of your life. Sometimes mistakes are what need to be made.
I was asked a hypothetical question once, which I’ve never gotten out of my mind. Have you ever regretted making the right decision? As in, did you make a decision based on your own moral principles, but you wished you had gone against them. Not in a situation where you’ve now changed your opinion on what was moral, but to actually regret living up to your own standards of goodness.
When I was first asked I’d have said no, that my morality is far too important to me.
Now I’m not so sure.
What about you?